The date I’ve been trying to to think about is within touching distance. My first day back from work. My maternity leave ending. Wednesday 22nd February. Thats in two days! 15 months after we were plunged into the world of Prematurity and Parenting, I have to go back to work.

Extending my maternity leave from 9 months plus holiday to 12 months plus holiday was necessary and very worthwhile. It allowed me to have more time to heal my Anxiety and PTSD to a point where I have only have one anxiety attack within the last couple of months (and that was on the day of my Grandmother’s funeral so was emotional anyway). It also helped get Jack to a place where he can sit unaided and feed himself finger foods, so it makes him easier to look after.

He will be going to my parents for the 2 days a week I am working. He LOVES it there so I’m not concerned. I don’t feel ready to send him to nursery yet as he still has some development issues that he is having Physiotherapy for. I’m not ready to trust a nursery with him yet, to tell them his story of why he may need extra attention and care from them. Maybe in September.

I have mixed feelings about going back to work. Part of me is happy to spend time with actual adults who converse with you and don’t pull at TV cables constantly. To discuss grown up things like mortgages and valuation appointments rather than voice my very valid tellytubby-related concerns to my sister , who as a toddler loved the show during it’s first generation but still thinks I need to get out more.

The other part of me is saying “but you waited so long for him to come home and be healthy, and now you’re just going back to your life?” and “what if you miss his first steps?” and then I feel anxious and ashamed. And actually will I just spend my whole working day crying in the toilets missing him and looking through phone pictures?

I also feel like, once Im sat at my desk taking calls and answering emails, will it feel like it was all a wonderful dream and that this is reality again. Like I knew it was too good to be true to be a Mummy. I’ll be sitting there doing the same as before but I am a completely different person now. Will I be able to listen to people worry about their house move to me and have the patience not to shout “you have no idea what real worry is and it isn’t having to wait an extra week to move house” and that makes me sound like a terrible person. I think I’ll be taking Kalms on my first day back on the phones. I really hope I can have the patience to just listen.

Obviously I am going back to work to earn my own money again and so I can contribute to our savings. We need to move to a bigger house. Jack is a toddler now so needs to have his own room. It’s time for us to think about moving on from our one-bedroom house. So I need to work.

I just hope I don’t miss anything big. I want to see every milestone because, after the start he had, every single one is nothing short of a miracle.

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Now I am going back to work and Monday being one of my days, I maybe won’t be blogging weekly and it probably won’t be on Mondays. But I will still be updating our social medias regularly as I have been, and will probably try to publish a blog post monthly xxx